How to Find a Mentor

Mentorship is an essential part of life no matter what industry you work in or life path you have chosen. We all learn from watching others and following the examples laid before us. There are definitely times in our lives where this relationship is methodically practiced, for example, in school or through athletic organizations, most people have a mentor whether they call it that or not. Teachers, coaches, counselors, and parents all take on these roles as we develop into adulthood but after graduation it tends to get a little more difficult to find a mentor and because of that, I think many people tend to stumble through their lives without clear direction for a distinct period of time. If you are looking for guidance in your life, career or business, but struggle to find someone who is willing and able to give you advice and help set a positive example for you, I am going to share some tips I have learned about finding a mentor.

What is a mentor?

The dictionary defines mentor as “an experienced and trusted advisor.” Pretty straight forward. Expanding on that, I consider a mentor to be someone who has done the things you want to do or has a certain perspective that you need, and they are willing to share their experience with you. Mentorship is a simple, almost one-sided relationship that I think many people over estimate and almost romanticize. Although some mentors may be very invested in their mentee and have a close personal relationship with them, that really isn’t what the relationship is about. I know for a long time, I thought a mentor would be some high level VP who took me under their wing and showed me the ropes, spending personal time in developing my career and skills, but the truth of that matter is that not many people, if any, are going to be that invested in helping you advance. This is why I think it’s very hard for many of us to find a mentor. We might have the wrong expectations and therefore misidentify a possible mentorship opportunity. When it all boils down, finding a mentor requires you to take control of your own destiny in order to find the person or people who can help you make it a reality.

Where do you find a mentor?

For most people, a mentor may be someone at work who has their next level job and they feel comfortable going to that person for career advice or for insight into their work. It could be a co-worker who has worked at your organization for a longer period of time who may have certain skills you don’t have and may be willing to teach you. Or a mentor could be someone with a job or career you would like, who you network with and pick their brain over coffee or lunch dates. You may have one or any number of mentors right now in your life that you haven’t actually identified as such. Do you have any co-workers or professional acquaintances that fit this description?

If you don’t currently have a mentor or you want to find another, identifying your mentor depends on what end you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to find a certain skill? Trying to advance in or even change your career? Perhaps you are starting your own business enterprise and need advice? And don’t think that mentors are only for work! Even new mothers, students, and those trying to make a change in their personal lives need mentorship and advice! Step number one is to identify what you are trying to achieve that you need help or insight with!

The next step to finding a mentor is to identify a pool of individuals that you know have the experience you would like to have. This could be friends, family members, co-workers, even professional coaches or consultants! I think many people misunderstand the mentor relationship and think that you need to know the person in real life to get their help, but there are many professionals who have built their careers on giving advice on certain topics and you have to keep in mind that as mentorship is a very one-sided relationship, if you want or need consistent advice and support, your best option may be to pay someone who has experience. 

Now the third and final step to finding a mentor is to approach each of your candidates by floating a question by them. You can call them, send them an email, or visit them in person and ask a very straightforward question that you need answered to help you with your goal. Some people will be receptive and helpful to your question and others will dismiss you. This process will help you identify who is willing to help you and who is not. From their answer, I say go with your gut feeling on who you trust and want advice from and pursue the relationship that feels best to you.

How to establish a relationship with a mentor?

Once you find someone who has the knowledge, skill, or experience you are looking for and has shown that they are receptive to helping you, I think the most professional and straight forward thing to do is to schedule some time with the individual, let them know that you are looking for help with X and would they be willing to provide some insight from time to time if you have questions. You don’t need to say “will you be my mentor,” in fact, unless they use that word, I would avoid it completely, but you do need to establish how best to communicate with them regularly going forward so that you are respectful of their time. For some, this means you may take your mentor out for lunch or coffee on a monthly or quarterly basis. Or it may mean that they have an open door or email policy with you for questions. This is very important that you establish the way you will communicate with them, because if you skip this, you may become an annoyance to the mentor and they may shut you out completely. Here is a sample conversation if you are unsure how to word it.

“Hi, MENTOR NAME. I am in the process of trying to do X and I know you have some experience with this. Would you mind if we scheduled some time for us to talk about this because I have some questions and I’d appreciate your advice. I’d love to take you to lunch or meet you for coffee one day if you have the time.”

Okay, so once you have that initial meeting set up, make sure to do your due diligence and come prepared with thoughtful questions. No matter how little you already know about your goal or how much you believe your mentor knows, it’s never appropriate to ask for general advice. You need to have questions and specific topics prepared or else you will end up with useless information from your mentor, or worse, ruin your relationship with them by showing your ignorance. It’s one thing to need advice from a mentor, but quite another to expect them to teach you everything you need to know.

If you are successful with scheduling an initial meeting and you have come prepared with your questions and feel confident that you and your mentor elect are hitting it off, you will want to establish an ongoing relationship with the mentor before the end of that meeting. So, at some point at the end of your conversation you want to thank them for their advice, tell them how much you value their opinion and then ask if it is okay for you to follow up with one-off questions in the future and how best to do so. Below is a sample of what you can say if you aren’t sure how to proceed, and if for some reason you miss this step or your conversation gets cut short, make sure to reach out to your mentor as soon as possible to thank them and establish that ongoing relationship. Adjust the following according to your situation.

“Well MENTOR NAME, this conversation has been very helpful to me and I truly appreciate having your insight. I have a lot to think about and process but if I have additional questions in the future, would you mind if we stayed in touch through emails or the occasional office visit?”

Depending on your situation, your relationship to the mentor, and the goal you are trying to accomplish, play it by ear how often you may need to contact them, and of course make sure to be aware of their feelings and reactions during these conversations. Most people will understand that you are coming to them as a mentor and will play along beautifully, but others may be oblivious to the ongoing relationship you are establishing. If you see that you are getting some resistance to future communications, pull back a bit and let them have their way. You don’t want to damage any future relationship by pushing them.

Obviously, this situation will play itself out quite differently if you choose to meet with a professional coach or consultant. That type of situation is much more direct, but of course, there are things to keep in mind when working with a professional as well. Please feel free to let me know if you would like me to write a piece on choosing and working with professional coaches and consultants and I would be more than happy to share my experience and give you some insight to help you make the most of that type of relationship as well! Of course, if you have any other questions about finding a mentor, let me know in the comments and I’d be glad to help! Or if you want to work with me one-on-one, check out my Empire Building online business program which is the formal way I work with clients to help them build their online businesses!

xoxo,